


Self-sacrifice

by classicasshole



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Can be read as Stucky, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), boys crying, their relation ship aint easy, they're not good at talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 09:32:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11145684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classicasshole/pseuds/classicasshole
Summary: A short angsty conversation between Steve and Bucky after a mission gone wrong"He can't decide which is worse, watching, helplessly, as Bucky plummets to his death in the Alps or Bucky bleeding out in his arms, body riddles with bullets. In both instances Steve is powerless to do anything. All the serum in the world couldn't help him save Bucky."





	Self-sacrifice

He tentatively runs his fingers over soft cotton, he recognises the too soft pillow his head is currently sunken into. Every 15 seconds or so a gentle breeze rolls over his prone body, raising goose pimples on his exposed arm. All this he takes in before he hears the telltale beep of hospital machinery. He remains still, unwilling to signal his waking. He maps out the room as best he can. There is someone sleeping in a chair to his right, undoubtedly Steve. He can hear nurses bustling outside his room. The window on the far right is open, diluting the smell of hospital. 

As he is contemplating whether to open his eyes or not in walks the Black Widow, Bucky would know that gait anywhere. Wanting to avoid any interaction with any of the Avengers Bucky doubles down and ensures his breathing is even. Her presence alerts Steve, jolting him awake.

"Any improvement?"

"The doctors said he should wake up some time today. They reduced the sedative dosage during the night", Steve sounded exhausted. Bucky had to quash the instinct to sit up and chew the Black Widow out for interrupting Steve's sleep.

The silence lasts a long moment, in which Steve gently takes Bucky's hand in both of his, as if it is something delicate to be treasured. Bucky resists pulling his hand back, resists shunning any kindness shown to him, especially from Steve. The Widow breaks the stillness

"What happened?"

"We got pinned down. There were more guards than we had planned for, more than I had planned for. We got pinned down. I tried to make an opening for Bucky to escape but..." a wet sob fills the room "I try to do right by him Nat, and every time I do he suffers. I've brought Hydra down on him, the World Council, Stark. I can't..."

"Steve, Barnes is a big boy, he made his decision and he took that bullet for you, nobody made him, you didn't make him."

Barnes can hear her approach, it goes against all his instincts not to defend against the Black Widow but he continues to lay still, willing his heart rate to keep steady.

"He obviously has a death wish Steve. You can't save him from that, not from himself", Bucky has never heard her speak so softly. But he is outraged by her words. He has fought tooth and nail to survive, he could have given up countless times but he kept going. How dare she claim to know the reasons behind is actions. All these Avengers, in their arrogance think they know best, try and advise Steve when it comes to Bucky. Well he resents it, loathes their intrusions. That Steve takes their counsel cuts deeper than Bucky is willing to admit.

Steve doesn't reply to the nonsense the Widow is spewing. The blonde just sits by his bedside and tries to stifle his heaving sobs. Once Romanoff leaves Steve rests against Bucky's bed, pillowing his head on crossed arms. Unwilling to wake Steve Bucky feigns slumber until he is pulled into unconsciousness. 

xxx

He knows he is a wreck. His friends keep stopping by to check up on him, to try and coax him away from Bucky's bedside. He won't go though, not until he sees for himself that Bucky will recover. Natasha's presence had shaken him. He hadn't considered that Bucky really might be suicidal but now the thought is planted in his head, he needs to know, needs to ask Bucky. Steve needs him to wake up. 

He can't decide which is worse, watching, helplessly, as Bucky plummets to his death in the Alps or Bucky bleeding out in his arms, body riddles with bullets. In both instances Steve is powerless to do anything. All the serum in the world couldn't help him save Bucky.

Pulling him out of his morbid thoughts is Sam, bringing with him fresh coffee from the cafe across the road from the hospital. Steve tries to muster a weak smile but knows his effort fails. 

"Nat told me he should wake up soon, thought you could use some moral support" gesturing to the coffee, "and I'm here too." That grin, that humour, in the face of disaster had kept Steve afloat for months during a fruitless manhunt. And now again his friend is here, trying to be supportive of Steve, even when Bucky has tried to kill Sam on several occasions. 

"Thanks Sam", is all he manages to croak out.

"So this is the second time in 5 missions that your boy has gotten seriously injured. You gonna bench him?"

"Nat thinks he has a death wish." He really wants Sam to argue to say Nat is obviously wrong, but all Steve gets is a shrug of his shoulders and a "Its possible".

He wants to scream. As his grief grows so does his anger. He doesn't want to lash out at Bucky but if it turns out Bucky does have a death wish Steve is worried what he will do. Sam seems to sense his emotional turmoil and thankfully leaves him be, unwilling to play therapist with someone as fucked up as Steve. 

xxx

Eavesdropping on Steve might be underhanded but the blonde is reluctant to share any information that he discusses with the Avengers with Bucky. The lack of trust, while totally understandable, hurts. Wilson does nothing to improve the situation, agreeing with Romanoff and suggesting to Steve to bench Bucky, the underhanded bastard!

As Bucky listens to Steve's new friends implant ideas in his head his frustration grows. Is this what they do when Bucky isn't around? Just say random theories until they sound like fact, slowly poisoning Steve against Bucky. His anger grows until he can no longer lie still. He opens his eyes and is greeted with the stony face of Steve Rogers. 

"Buck! You're awake! Finally, its been two days. The doctors of course said you'd pull through...but you know. I have to see it for myself." The words themselves are comforting but they are delivered with little inflection. As if Steve has shut down emotionally. 

Not wanting to reveal his hand just yet, Bucky decides to force Steve's hand, make him reveal his biases. "How'd we make it out pal" he croaks, not having to feign the rough scrape of his voice, his throat is dry as the Sahara.

"I managed to hold off the guards 'till back up came, we didn't have to wait long." Steve is tight lipped, stubbornly unwilling to accuse Bucky of...well Bucky wants to know what Steve thinks Bucky was doing. He raises an eyebrow, silently asking Steve to elaborate. His former best friend turns a deep shade of red, barely holding in his outrage. Bucky continues the stare-down, willing Steve to be the one to bring it up.

"Why did you do it Buck?" No trace of anger in his voice now.

"Why did I do what? Take a bullet for you? I thought that would be obvious." He replies blithely, his own anger hasn't relented.

"Well its not obvious to me, so spell it out." There's that anger, Stevie Rogers never could play gentle for too long.

"Well, you asked me to join your little team as your partner", he explains slowly, purposefully riling Steve up. "You were going to needlessly sacrifice yourself like you were lobbying the church for martyrdom. Unwilling to listen to any of your partners suggestions you attempted to kill yourself." Bucky takes grim satisfaction in seeing Steve's thoughts twist and fracture when his arguments are turned back on him. "I took the executive decision to relieve you of your leadership position and take action into my own hands." Steve looked like he was about to have an aneurysm. "And now here we are." He blinks innocently finishing up his little speech.

"You are accusing me of trying to kill myself?" he asks incredulously.

"If the shoe fits!" Bucky manages to bite out.

"How dar-"

"How dare I? I'm not the one who crashed a plane. I'm not the one who gave up fighting and went down on a helicarrier. I'm no the one who just waits to die in Sokovia", now shouting at the man he once knew so well. "Don't you dare accuse me of giving up. Its you! You are the one who has given up and who doesn't care how his actions affect those around him. You really think I am just going to stand aside and let you kill yourself, you selfish, self-sacrificing bastard? Really? You got another thing coming pal!"

"This is the second time in 5 missions that you have been seriously injured jumping in front of bullets-"

"Because you won't get out of the way of bullets!"

"Do you know how hard it is for me to see you lying here unconscious! It kills me Buck!"

"And yet you would subject me to that every mission if you had your way", Bucky growls, really pissed at how dense Steve is being.

"What! No-"

"You know how horrible it is seeing a loved one in hospital" gesturing to the wires and tubes he's currently hooked up to. "It sucks for you to see me lying in a hospital bed but I should just be fine when its you who's banged up?"

Bucky counts the answering silence as a win. Nevertheless, he ploughs ahead, needing Steve to understand. "If I do die, you have the Avengers, Falcon and Widow, you'll be fine. If you die, who will I have Steve? Huh, you tell me, who will I have?"

Seeing the tears gathering in Steve's eyes Bucky looks away, not wanting to feel pity or regret yet.

xxx

Steve knows he's never been great with emotions, expressing them, or even recognising them. Trying to process what Bucky is saying has brought his brain to a halt. Of course he doesn't want to cause pain to Bucky! Doesn't want him to worry. But what is he to do? Bucky damn well knows Steve can't just sit back, he has always thrown himself fully into the fight.

"Buck", he tries to soften his voice, "you know me. It was the same 70 years ago. You giving me shit for being an idiot whenever we got off the battlefield" his attempt at lightening the atmosphere fails as Bucky refuses to even look at him.

"Yeah" Bucky finally croaks out, "I've been doing the same shit since the 30's hoping for a different outcome, guess I am insane after all." Steve's never hear his friend sound so defeated. "I'm tired Steve. I can't keep watching you literally throw yourself in harm's way. And if you don't want me to save your ass well I'm gonna have to leave, 'cause just like you I can't sit back and do nothing."

"Buck please we can talk about this!" he pleads.

"You said it yourself Stevie, you've been this way since the war, hell before then, scrappin' in alleys in Brooklyn. You ain't going to change now and neither am I."

"I can change. I will change. For you."

"I ain't gonna force you Stevie, you'd end up resenting me and I'd hate myself for it. Besides your friends are just looking for an excuse to string me up."

"That's not true Buck."

"It is and you know it. I don't fit in with your life in this century Steve. We've both changed too much. The things that remain the same aren't enough to keep us together."

He doesn't know when he started crying but Steve screws his eyes shut in an attempt to stem the flow of his broken heart. He had intended to caution Bucky for being reckless but now this! He's losing him all over again.

"I don't know if I can keep going knowing you're out there but not with me", he knows it selfish but damn Steve never claimed to be otherwise, not when it came to Bucky.

xxx

"I'm making the choice for ya Stevie. I'd never make you choose between me and your duty" the venom in his voice as he spits the word shocks even him. "Not out of some sense of altruism. No. I'm a coward. I don't want to have it confirmed that I'm runner up in that particular competition." The sobs that rips from Steve's chest is all the confirmation Bucky needs to know that he is right.

Looking at his once best friend trying to regain control over his breathing Bucky feels totally alone in the world. More alone than he ever felt as the Winter Soldier. Now, there are people who know him, know his story, and its still not enough. He ends up on the outside looking in. But as long as Steve is on the inside, safe and surrounded by friends, well then Bucky thinks he can live with that.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to all who read this 
> 
> I'd love any feedback or thoughts people have, I'm always looking to improve my writing, all I ask is that people don't be rude in their comments!
> 
> Im urban-caesar.tumblr.com on tumblr :)


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